Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Clark Bar

        The Clark Bar is a poor attempt at a masquerade. It hides its face behind the colorful wrapper and masculine name, but on the inside it is undesirable. The chocolate isn’t even up to Reece’s lowered standards, nor is the peanuty inside worthy of breaking your diet for. This candy bar had been sitting in my purse for three days. That’s seventy-two long hours of anticipation, of rereading the proclamation of the goodness its wrapper claims. Like a bad first date or an attractive kleptomaniac, I was swindled. So outraged was I that I took a peek at the manufacturer, just so I could know who was to blame for inflicting this disrespect on my home. One word (followed by many more unpublishable words) filled my brain with hate and my mouth with unrelenting distaste.
Purveyor of disgusting sugar wafers they deem as candy and pusher of chocolate that were it not named so, one would never guess it was. I am horrified that I ever fell for such a charade. How this hooded figure made it past security to lure young women into its clutches is beyond me. It’s time for consumers everywhere to stand up and say, “No! No more will I settle for I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not instead of real butter. We will not eat whipped topping with nonfat milk instead of rich cream. And we will not consume Necco chocolate that reeks of chalk with a filling so mundane that it can hardly be called food or candy, and is not worthy to be placed in mouths that still have the courage to call out "Freedom! Freedom! Freedom from degradation of the good name of chocolate!"


  1. Okay, so this comment isn't exactly Clark Bar related, but just finished reading Jack and Yani Love Harry Potter, and wanted to say how much I enjoyed it! Lots of fun!

  2. Thank you so very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you re-read it with your favorite candy bar! :)